Tummy Trouble

2004-04-14 - 20:44:00
Current music - The Rosebuds - "Drunkards Worst Nightmare"

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I have a confession to make.

I have been consuming shit.

HONEY (2003) - d. Bille Woodruff
This seemed like a good idea, and for a few minutes, I still thought it was.

In its early stages, 'Honey' works well as entry-level softcore. The box cover hints that it's got plenty to offer stomach fetishists, and it doesn't disappoint on that end. Jessica Alba's mid-section is a thing of great and terrifying beauty. Here, it's exposed constantly, and, though Gwen Stefani might have something to say on the subject, I think even No Doubt fans have to admit, this is the current gold-standard.

Unfortunately, they also try to tell a story. That doesn't go so well. Since it's about music videos, a world I know something about, it was even harder swallowing all the caca. I don't get it - one half fetish film, one half feel-good success story - who's the target audience?

Bottom line, I don't turn a lot of movies off. The last time I did that was for 'The Order,' and the fact that 'Honey' made me do it again - in spite of that belly button - is saying something. I didn't make it past the 45 minute mark.


MEAN MACHINE (2001) - d. Barry Skolnick
Really, really pants. And I like Vinnie Jones and will watch anything soccer. There's one consistent theme in all three of these movies: none of them keep anything like a consistent tone. This one has a sense of humor which could only appeal to a 12 year old knacker but throws in the occasional 'fuck' to make sure that it gets an 'R' rating. Wait, that's probably the same thing. Anyways, strange. The only good that's come out of it is that I'm finally convinced I need to see 'Victory.'

Oh, and if someone can give me the address of Ska Films, there might just be one more London bombing that gets blamed on the IRA.


THE CROCODILE HUNTER: COLLISION COURSE (2002) - d. John Stainton
Probably the best of the three movies. I still wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

I'm going to go watch some good stuff now. I can't take this anymore.